Blame shifting
Refusing accountability by turning it around: you raise something, and somehow the conversation ends with you apologizing.
What it looks like
- You mention he was late, and the subject becomes how you “always” nag.
- He hurt you, and he is the one who needs comforting by the end of the talk.
- Every apology comes with a “but” that hands the fault back.
Why it is easy to miss
The reversal is fast, and it borrows your own fairness. You wanted to hear his side, so you listen, and by the time you have taken it into account your original point is gone. The full version has a name, DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
What it is not
Someone who takes his share and then raises his own point. Accountability that runs both ways is a conversation. A conversation that only ever ends on your fault is the pattern.
What to do
- Before you raise something, write down the one sentence you want answered. Afterwards, check whether it was.
- Notice who apologized by the end, and compare that with who did the thing.
- Let his side wait until yours has been heard, and say so plainly.
How Bondary reads it
Recap cards keep the original event separate from how the conversation about it went. The Tape holds what he did. Your Take holds how you came out of the talk. When those two keep diverging in the same direction, she names it, and who ended up apologizing is on the record rather than in your memory.
She never tells you to leave. She shows you the pattern and the entries it came from, and the decision stays yours.
Tell her about someone.
Bondary is an AI dating coach who's on your side. She keeps the record and gives you an honest weekly read. For iPhone.
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